Playing with Others

Does my child play with the other children? Sometimes I see them standing around, watching or even be by themselves.

We get asked this question frequently, oftentimes by first year parents but by parents of 2nd and sometimes 3rd year children as well. The feeling of “Is my child part of a social group?” are usually questions more common for older children, and not at this age group. Power plays, exclusion and “clubs” are seen (unfortunately) at the elementary and middle school level.

I wanted to talk a bit this week about how children play with one another, at this age and at our school. On a community level, we have a rule at our school that you can not exclude anyone from your play. If someone asks to join, you have to find a way to let them join. Also, there are no team games or “us” and “them” games at the school. We feel that at this age, the children very easily find ways to include friends of all ages in their play.

But what happens when the child themselves does not want to play? And at 3, that is VERY common. At the toddler stage and into the first year the Montessori, parallel play happens quite often. Children play in the same area, but not always with each other. They may want the same equipment (shovel, woodchips, etc.) and teachers often coach them on how to talk to one another. The Montessori philosophy strongly believes in teaching children how to wait. Therefore, we intentionally have a limited number of “things” in the outdoor environment (in the indoor environment as well). Children may not be able to use what they want immediately and learn to compromise on their game. The other children may learn that their friends want the shovel and decide to use it quickly, to use it slowly or to immediately offer it to their friend.

Slowly we see that children start noticing each other and may find a friend with whom they want to play with. If necessary, the teacher can introduce them to the language:
“Do you want to play with me?”

“What are you playing? Can I join?”

Even if they start playing with others, there may be many days when a child prefers to be alone outside. Chasing butterflies, making piles of woodchips or just running around our field is very common. We find that the outdoor recess, with an intentional lack of structure, is a great place for children to unwind from the morning “work period”. Their brains rest, grow and internalize the new skills they may have been practicing in the morning.

The teachers are in tune with the children’s needs and know when to step in. We recognize the need to be alone and respect that need. Our older children often learn and use the language of “I just want some space or I just want to be alone for a while.” However, if these words are use toward one friend, they need to be used towards all friends.

We also have our ears and eyes open for when a friend may be alone because of some negative feelings, sadness or feeling excluded. Oftentimes, this exclusion isn’t because of an intentional action by other children. The child may just not have the language to join a group.

“Do they know that you want to play with them? Well, why don’t we go ask?”

Other times, they just need the attention of an adult. Many younger children love spending time with adults, especially one on one. At recess, we give them that attention, while making sure they are making connections and relationships with their peers as well.

Everything that we do during recess is consistent with our main tenet: Follow the child!

So, the next time you see your child by themselves outside, don’t worry, they are probably enjoying the company of their favorite person 😊 .